Lessons from the Road Thus Far

“I’m going to keep a blog to bring you along for my European journey,” I might have told you…while the reality is I’ve neglected this poor blog for the last 5 countries or so. That said, it’s time for a catch-up. I’ve been journaling a bit, and really only a bit, along the way, and I’ve compiled some lessons that I’ve learned from the road thus far, and I think, if anything, these lessons would give the best glimpse of the journey that my heart has trekked in the past month (Yes! It’s already been that long!). Mind you, there is nothing new under the sun, so don’t get to excited; you may, in fact, learn nothing from this post. Also, I cannot claim ignorance to some of these lessons hitherto my European excursion, but the Lord surely has worked to concrete them into my mind and heart.

Amsterdam, The Netherlands: A chorus sings louder and truer than one voice – each voice is made relevant with company. This I learned from not being able to speak (which my last post reflected on a touch), and surrendering the words of the Spirit to be summoned from other’s lips, rather than my greedy own.

Hamburg, Germany: A resonance of Oswald Chambers: “Never make principle out of your experience, let God be as original with other people as He is with you.” This was/is an ongoing struggle. I have been so blessed, as well as challenged, by the diversity of personalities on my team. As much as my pride massages messages of my own uniqueness into the slurping synapses, I cannot forget that God is infinitely creative beyond the creation of me. I have truly learned of and had to face by deep-seated selfishness on this trip, but the me-me-me massage is acquitted by the acupuncture that is the act of coming to know another’s character. It is truly beautiful to see new and sometimes enigmatic traits of our heavenly Father exhibited in His children. Each trait is like a painfully sweet needle, tapping into your inner channels to press for harmony and healing. I have come to experience and explore boldness, out-going-ness, straightforwardness, meekness, courage, gentleness, and people-passion as I have not been given personally, but been blessed (and again, challenged) to be the audience of by existing with my beloved teammates.

Berlin, Germany: A lesson in hospitality: Welcome others into your inner world if you are unfamiliar with the geographical place you are presently. Additionally, invite others to explore that unfamiliar physical place so that, per chance (or blessing), you may get to know your shared spiritual place as well. This lesson was essentially taught by Ian, a Brit who came to be a close friend to the team in Berlin. Ian had become somewhat familiar with Berlin from previous visits, and didn’t do the “touristy” things with us, but showed us some cool spots around the city at night, and generally and genuinely wanted to spend time with us, and us with them. It is a beautiful thing when people want to explore each other’s lives and just dwell in a calm love that is so warming that it allows the air of familiarity to flow through relationality’s windpipe as through a jazz sax, playing a tune you can sway to as you loose your mutual chains. In such warmth humanity is made and that which is broken can be healed. Thanks for the love, Ian.

Krakow, Poland: Another, but very different lesson about humanity from Auschwitz: Sometimes you must sacrifice, lay down one part of your humanity so that your whole humanity does not suffer from the poison to which you may sponge yourself. Death is dank – it sticks to your bones. Hate is heavy – it weighs on your soul. Both of these are contrary to the way that God exists and calls for us to thrive in victory – life and love. One of the days we spent in Krakow we took a trip with some hostel-mates to the remains of concentration camp Auschwitz. Such a “daytrip” cannot and could not be taken lightly. If one enters the gates and expects just another history lesson, in their blindness they will leave bruised. In order for you to be able to face the atrocities that occurred during the Holocaust, you must tie half of your humanity, anchored, to sink into the ground before the gates to be retrieved back to life once the other half has shriveled through the death-cycle of fall (the experience of walking through the death camp) and needs the warmth of life through the cold reflection of winter (the ride home, awestruck and aggrieved) before your humanity is fully restored in the sprouting that comes with conclusive meditation in a community of common sufferers (communal discussion or commonly agreed silence). Only when you recognize the death of humanity in yourself can you sympathize and attempt to reconcile with the enormity of the Holocaust.

Budapest, Hungary: A lesson in self-control: Your eyes are the doorstep to your soul, so don’t let thieves in. or Don’t plant seeds in the garden that you don’t want to see grow. Europe is a land of liberty, of sorts previously un-experienced or unavailable, or maybe inapplicable. All those things that Mom told you to stay away from: drugs, sex, and rock-and-roll, are rampant. Such liberty requires two things (with freedom comes responsibility, they [maybe Moms again] say) : self-discipline for yourself, and grace for others. Though there are many distractions, this is actually an easy place to see God’s love. He is seen in the freedom we have to do anything that is beneficial, since all is permissible, and He is seen in the grace that cushions the fall of our mistakes and allows us to accept others in whatever condition they may be in. In Budapest, for the first time in my life, I thought, “Hmm, a beer would be nice.” No, drinking one beer is not a sin in itself (though drunkenness is), but this is rather out of character for me (denoting a fold in integrity) and a susceptibility to a sin hitherto unacknowledged. Essentially, with so many things available I need all the more prayer for wisdom and I need all the more wariness of Satan’s stratagem.

Vienna, Austria: (Retreat – here we hung out with Katie and Becca, the travel partners, did some reflection, prayer, and a bit more eating) Here I learned a lesson from some reading I’ve been doing along the way: Honesty really is the best policy, especially with yourself, but even with your all-knowing God. I picked up a book from the hostel here called Spiritual Depression (I know, light reading, eh?). However I really find it to be a God-sent. Strangely enough, I had been considering making a piece of art that had to do with the branch and reflectively the root system of a tree, done in a single tone, and there on the cover of this book is the very image I had been picturing…hmmm. That said, this book has given me good insight and good ways to reflect on my spiritual struggles and search for deeper joy, exploring the roots and symptoms of what Martyn Lloyd-Jones calls “spiritual depression”, seeking to be a better example of God’s light and life. Probably more lessons to come from this reflective text.

Ljubljana, Slovenia: Be bold in love, there really isn’t much to lose, if anything. Though, there is much to gain. This is an ongoing lesson, as many of these listed are. Particularly in Ljubljana I learned this lesson from a man named Pias (symphonically, “pious”) who was looking for God’s love, just as we all are, I suppose, but I found it really easy to just love on him through conversation. I might more about this story later…I have quite a bit to say about it.

Florence, Italy: This lesson really won’t make sense to those who I have not already discussed my philosophy of "casual intimacy”, but that is another subject for later (will I really get to these other subjects is the question…) : Casual Intimacy is difficult between those you don’t already know, but a culture of it is possible, however you need to be able to love others the way they love to be loved. Since, I imagine, that was hogwash to you, I learned that affection can be laced into a culture – you can easily see close friends greeting and farewell-ing with kisses and tight hugs and harboring delightful, energetic conversations on the cozy (though then wet) Italian streets – however the most important love you can show is that which is longed for by the receiver, by this I mean pay attention to all that “love language” stuff. If they long for tough, give a comforting pat/rub on the back, if they long for gifts, gelato may be great. :)

Gryon, Switzerland: On conquering my fear of heights: It’s easier to tell myself that I can’t do something than it is to tell myself that I don’t exist in a moment/movement, so just keep on trucking. Hiking along the spine of the Alps isn’t exactly easy when you’ve got a fear of heights lurching on your back. However, I learned that it’s easier to just keep moving rather than stop and look at the obstacle/ beautiful mountain scene in front of you. I’m sure this applies to more than just acrophobia.

Current location: Bern, the capital city of Switzerland.
Well, there you have ‘em, some essential lessons from the road, some of the things that I will take from this journey, the True souvenirs, take them as you will.

C’est tout pour maintenant. That’s all for now.
Peace and Understanding in the lessons you are learning.
Please share.

The Amsterdamned Hamburg-er.

Well, God decided to hold me to my challenge to pray more.
I (and my 3 teammates) left Thursday, May 27 for Amsterdam! Party city! Woo! And where else were we staying but the fringes of the notorious Red Light district. We actually stayed in this cozy and welcoming hostel called Shelter City, one of the Christian hostels that one of the other teams will be working with.**** Before I go on, let me explain a little bit of the structure of the trip I’m on, which is under Youth Hostel Ministry of Wheaton College’s Office of Christian Outreach. There are 23 students off in 5 different groups in 3 different locations. Two groups will be stationary and working in two different Christian hostels in Amsterdam. The other 3 groups travel around a bit. One group travels and then works at a hostel in Bergen, Norway. The remaining two groups, one to which I belong, are traveling for a month and then are stationed in two different hostels in Prague, Czech Republic. The hostel my team and I will be staying in is Sir Toby’s (check it out online!).

So, our first stop, as said, was Shelter City in Amsterdam. First off, Europe is beautiful in her age. Everything is old and made legitimate in it’s experience – like wrinkles, you are made to look all the happier when wrinkles evidence decades of smiling. We would pass archways that were built in 1614 and stood there like it was no big deal. (Honestly I’ve been horrible at taking pictures thus far but I’ll try to snag some from my teammates.)

My biggest struggle in Amsterdam, a place with many stumbling blocks to offer, was actually my health. (I don’t mean for this to be a pity-post, but rather an exploration of present suffering.) Since the day before we left, I’ve been rather sick, leaving me with no audible voice for the first few days, communicating merely in whispers, smiles, and other gestures (I am continually amazed at how expressive I am with my face without knowing.) This “forced vow of silence” as we came to joke about it was really rough for me, but I’m trying to exegete some lessons from it. First of all, I learned the worth of words. We generally spew all our thoughts and feelings (okay, only some of us do) without thoroughly thinking about what we are saying or the purpose of those words. Yet, we developed language so that we may communicate. What do we want to communicate to each other? Okay, well there’s one mandate that I know of in Scripture of how to act, as well as how to communicate, and that is to love. How can we be more loving with our words? I ask this not in self-righteous conviction for the lesser-hearted ones, for no, not all, nor many of my own words have been loving since I’ve gotten my voice back. However, a question I was reminded to ask myself as I journaled today was, “Is this the most loving way to do life?” (as inspired by Crazy Love of course). In today’s world and my very own, our (and my) communication and humor is laced with harsh sarcasm, racy and crude gestures and comments, and generally unnecessary expletives. Is this the most loving way to do life? To communicate? No, so I will try to find the worth of my words in love.

Another lesson that God has been teaching me lately is in meekness. Now, I imagine this is one of those topics that can’t be discussed by one yet to transcend into it’s ideal state, i.e. one cannot say that he or she has become the most humble person because saying so would prove otherwise. Thus, I will leave it as vague and open-ended as to say God has been teaching me meekness. Through my interactions in the deli as the oldie-newbie to needs to be reminded of protocol, and through my silence during my early travels, God has taught me meekness by showing me that my voice is not the most important one to be heard. In the deli this looked like my reliance on others for what to do next and giving up the facade that I’ve got it all under control, and know it that I asked some pretty foolish questions for someone who has been technically working there for two years. In Amsterdam and in our travels, this lesson looked like complete allowance of others to express their wants, needs, and opinions, or stories without interruption. I had to let someone else drive, even everyone else. The True lesson to be learned here is not that my voice is not the most important, but rather His voice is the most important. This is no easy lesson to be learned by an American taught that the world is on my string and free speech implies other’s obligatory listening, and clearly this lesson has not been completed as I continue on for paragraphs fed by the self-perpetuated illusion that reading this blog is the best use of your time. (It’s not, stop now!)

Love and meekness. Dang, this is going to be a long and messy journey. Oh Lord, if this means that not even a morsel of my self will be intact, so be it, for it is only in my mute moments are you mountainous, and in my weakness are you wondrous. Make us to be prayerfully aware of our need for your true strength.

C’est tout pour maintenant. That’s all for now.
Peace in Christ.
JB

Expect Less. P(r)ay More.

It is Target’s motto that their customers should Expect more. Pay less. But, here I challenge you (and myself) to have fewer (not lower) expectations and be willing to pay more in prayer.
Through my past trips and travels I have learned that some things are best left unprepared for. This is not so as to be foolish, but rather to be more willing to deal with situations as they come to you, and being willing to be more reliant on God’s providence rather than your pre-made lists. Look at it as similar to the folly of expectant parents painting the baby’s room a gentle pink, getting the doll-friends for the newborn, and looking up only girl names, all the while deciding to not “know” the sex of the baby, but simply because they want a girl, they prepare a space for the potential “her”. (Hopefully expectant parents are not so foolish to do this, choosing a neutral green or yellow instead.)

However, we are so foolish when we make our strict lists of goals and expectations. Now, don’t get me wrong, some preparation is necessary and good. Looking at the preparation that went into my coming trip to Europe has been great and led to good and necessary positioning of my heart, as well as awareness of certain potential safety issues and precautions to take (vaccines and what not). But, there are physical expectations, and then there are strict positions of the heart and mind, which may seem to get you “prepared” but truly only build roadblocks to roads un-pre-examined.

This notion of expect less-pray more came from the leader of my trip to Angola State Penitentiary last spring break, Dave Haidle. The biggest reason Dave encouraged us to not go in with expectations (an attitude he further nurtured by not giving us much information about the goings-on of the trip before hand, and not telling many stories of past years, as well as generally not allowing those who had done the trip in the past to repeat it) was to counter-act societal preconceptions of prisoners or inmates. The US fosters this visage of monsters, both inhumane and inhuman. However, just as they have sinned, we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Thus, we can look at the expect less mentality, at least in the Angola example, as Christ asking those without sin to throw the first stone.

Expectations can get stoney. If I go to Europe expecting and assuming spiritual dead numbness of each staunchly post-modern European I come across, how will I deal with the vivacious girl who finds happiness and a God in the spring-leaved trees? How will I deal with the conservative guy who has forgotten how to love like Christ but claims affinity with Christianity? How can I expect the unexpected if I have already stoned to death the possibilities not on my list?

God is creative and He continues to create. I pray that He may create, continually, in me an open heart that He would give me open ears, and a clear channel of His wisdom, the only coverall for any situation. I surrender my expectations and take on a prayerful heart and mind, relying on His infinite love to teach me how to love the person, the soul in front of me.

I close with passing on another challenge I’ve just had from Francis Chan in his amazing book Crazy Love. I challenge you to stop praying for safety, but instead pray that God will make you ever more reliant on Him in the least expected and most humbling ways. How can we ready our souls to fall prostrate before the Throne if we are stuck boxing the Spirit through our confining expectations? Imagine failing to humble yourself before the heavenly throne because you’re stuck looking at the Lords face thinking, “Wait, he’s not white with long flowing silver locks?” Come to know God by knowing that you do not and cannot know all.

So, paint your walls that neutral green or yellow and expect nothing but His love and providence.

To you: peace, patience, and a dangerous love that makes you ever more reliant on Him.

C’est tout pour maintenant. That’s all for now.
Jason


Mon Dieu, aide-moi de devenir
un homme de paîx, de patience,
de prière, et de passion. Amen.

New Travel Companion

I came home this weekend to a pleasant surprise, a new travel companion! In addition to Caleb, Chelsea, and Katy, my family’s new Dell mini will be trekking through Europe with me, making this blog experience that much easier.

This isn’t much of an update, and really just testing to see if Windows Live Writer is as easy to work with as I would like. To you ladies, have a happy Mother’s Day, I have to send out a big thanks to my own mom for my new buddy. Thanks!

General note: I know that my writing style tends to be more artistic rather than functional, perhaps leading to some confusion, so I apologize for those who have already become disenchanted with this blog. Once I get on the road these posts will probably be more “functional”, but until then, buckle in for some pre-post-modernity philosophization. If you have any specific topics you’d like me discuss, let me know. At this point I’ll probably be turning to older writings of my own (e.g. Debug) and doing some reflecting. Thanks for coming along for the ride, and please comment, question, and contribute.

C’est tout pour maintenant. That’s all for now.
Peace out.

Debug this Cosmos

I believe that we've all got something sitting beneath our skin. It's often that one little thing that causes the most tension in our universe. It's something that is not so deep that it can go ignored or silently betrayed, yet nor is it so present on our skin - as the goosebumps it may cause - that we can have it defined by others without explaining it ourselves. This cosmos between Flesh and Spirit is suspended, held captive by nerves and by neuroses, anxiously waiting - anticipating even - redemption.

Yet, we so oft leave it to fester. A pest it becomes to our existence as we avoid the in-betweens of introspection. We may ail by not seeking deep within to find the core of the imbalance - taking the plunge on the far side of the pool. We want to be known deeply. Even so, we equally feign to go past diagnoses of common colds and intemperance of the purely physical. "I'm fine today." (Hopefully more to be said on this abusive response to "How are you?" in coming posts.)

We hate the doorway. Come in, or stay out, just don't leave the door open 'cause you're letting the cold in. What if we spent some more time in the doorway? What if we took some more time to look around. Open that door. Look back. Look forward.

What currently frames your existence?
What color are the walls in the room behind you, and in the room before you?

Change is a choice (sometimes). Openness is a choice. Self-examination is a choice. Self-proclamation is a choice. Each time we are faced with such choices, we are framed by the options. To stay or to go, to escape the past or change the present?

Therefore, I encourage you: wipe your feet, stamp them if you must, open the door and step onto the threshold and examine the doorway. What are your options?

Perhaps you do not have a door at this point, or perhaps that door is presently looked. You are blessed with the path of patience. If the door is locked, or only windows decorate your walls, you shall wait. No, the waiting game is not always fun, but who was talking about fun? We're talking pragmatism here, right?

With those questions asked, and those messy metaphors manifest, mutilated by my minute mastery, I acknowledge the beautiful threshold my feet stand upon: summer. I write now, this last night of my sophomore year, looking through the door frame. Standing under it, I look up. I see hope, encouragement, opportunities of growth, and I see challenge. How will I hold up the cross of evangelism in a postmodern socialscape this summer? I look behind me. I feel the breeze, I smell the scent of the spring lilac, and I hear the morning robin. I am reminded, "Just as I prepare the earth for spring through the harsh but brilliant blanket of winter's storms, so have I prepared your heart. Watch as I raise beautiful blooms of hope from your eager earth. Wait, as will I water you through the summer's driest of droughts. And be wary, let not doubt tempt you as your soul's autumnal metamorphosis challenges your understanding of my life-giving salvation. Just know that you are loved. Now move, be carried by my grace."

I have a few weeks to remain on this doorstep before this wind becomes too strong for me to stand. I have encouraged you to be patient on this stoop, but do not sleep upon it. Lest you forget, a door frame is for doors, and doors are for separating rooms. At some time you will be set apart from your past (though always in the same house as it); don't get stuck in the terminal (though the movie with Tom Hanks is delightful).

There is a very interesting quote from one wildly trippy movie entitled Waking Life and it is: The idea is to remain in a constant state of departure while always arriving. I can't say I entirely agree with this, to disappoint my good friend Brooke who introduced me to the movie, but I think it enlightens us to two attitudes that we are unconsciously familiar with, that is departure and arrival. The doorstep is the venue for such attitudes to be examined.

In closing, "know thyself". To the Philosopher's imperative I add, "know God". The doorway is the threshold on which such examination can and should be had. Under the keystone that holds the arch round and true lies the altar stone that challenges us to surrender ourselves to whatever path the Truth offers.

Now, back to where we began. Is there something that must be shed in preparation for the next room? What comes off as you stamp your boots of the grime of the past? Switching to a new metaphor, below I share a piece I wrote sometime late in high school. It is about self-examination.

Take a breath.
Step onto your mind's doorstep for just a moment, look up, look down, and look at yourself. You must examine what is within before you can embrace that which you cannot live without.
Between this cosmos and the next, you have the threshold of surrender.

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Debug
It wasn’t very big, or very scary, or even unattractive.
I gave it a flick and it flew away.
They weren’t very big, or very scary, or even unattractive.
The first one must have told the second about my kindness.
I gave two flicks.
It was rather large, and rather scary.
But still not unattractive.
I try to flick it, but it won’t fly.
Bugs need a home too.
They both were rather large, and rather scary.
You can sort of see them through my skin.
I’m starting to think I need more than a flick.
But, bugs need a home too.
The bugs ate me alive today.
It seems they were big.
Big enough.
They were pretty scary,
But looks don’t matter much.
I’m not that attractive,
Now that all that’s left is this ravaged heart.
It seems even they didn’t want all of it,
They had had enough.
You could give it a flick, and see if it flies.
No promises though.

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

C'est tout pour maintenant. That's all for now.
Peace out.

raison d’être

This blog is being built upon the precipice of a few futures: a summer in Europe with Wheaton College’s Youth Hostel Ministry, a year as the RA of Evans 2, and the eternally expansive threshold of me transcending sinfully natural limits to become one entranced solely by the Right One and righteousness– my heavenly Father and His works.

And, yes, what you just read may be your first JBrown sentence. Welcome to my world in which cacophonic thoughts attempt to become pleasing poetry as they writhe, wrestling with the English lexicon to find harmony through the pursed lips of these misplaced lobes (that is, my brain, contrary to common belief, is found somewhere floating, unfixed, in front of my sternum).

So, why do I welcome you along on these journeys? Eh, I don’t know yet. Maybe it is because I think pensivity is too great an adventure to go alone. Maybe it is because I believe that what is occurring in my heart and mind is yearning to make some waves in the collective consciousness pool of postmodern thought. Maybe it is because I believe that Jesus can walk even upon those stormy waters. And, maybe I’ll prance around before returning to my initial answer: I do not know yet. Relativity sucks, don’t it? That’s why I need your firing neurons to collide with mine, and this exchange of psychological mortar will be the envy of all wars past and future. Then maybe by thinking and expressing, we can all find peace - or at least the buffer that is understanding.

Now, to the future topics of this blog:

• Peace, shalom, community, and reconciliation - my mind, heart, and soul’s closest lovers, right after a worshipful admiration of their Creator
• Travel – I hope to bring you along through Europe, a-hostelling we shall go!
• Politics – eh, not likely but I’ll give myself some liberal bounds as I am an International Relations Major
• Art…? – possibly even less likely, as I tend to do rather than publically philosophize when it comes to art, but maybe what you’ll find on here will help you to form a view/definition of art (as something that may come up is a theology of continual creation)

Additional things you may find here:

• Passive language: I need your help to dry the grout and make the mosaic of my worldview concrete.
• Tangled-necklace language: During my senior year of high school my English teacher told me that my writing was like an entanglement of gold necklaces: very pretty but not very accessible. So, good luck…?
• That-is-not-English language: Okay, so I make up words. Some of them are informed by my intermediate understanding of French. Some of them I have thought were words for a long time, but am simply misinformed (en exemple: “moreso” is actually two words as I’ve recently been told, though I’ve used in many papers as just one…oops.) Un autre: “pensivity”, though technically not a word according to Word, but as you may have ascertained, it is the nature [or nurture] of being pensive. Trivia: penser [pohn*say] is the French verb to think.
• Metaphoric language: I work in images and concepts. The minute you narrate anything for me I am probably seeing it live and in color, and likely in a very odd way. Just as images are imprinted on my brain, so my brain expresses via my mouth or my typing or painting fingers. This is truly a blessing and a curse. Don’t understand what I’m saying at one given point? Drink it again. Still nothing? Let it simmer. Still nothing? Go to the source. I will not claim to be the well, but I will likely know some way to get the unfettered bucket up from the bottom of it. (That was an unwarranted manifest example.)

Well folks, thanks for joining. Was this long? No. This is the most practical post you may see. This is an experiment. I’m trying to see what it’s like to increase the number of philosophical collisions so as to distil the emissions of my soul, and maybe our souls. I hope that if this does not bring any enjoyment, it may at least be for some better good of us. I do not want this to just be a “Jason posts weird wonderings” space; I want this to be a place to explore oneself and the essence(s) of humanity and be in community and communion. (Practical translation: Please comment and be willing to be commented on.)

C’est tout pour maintenant. That’s all for now
[say*too*pohr*mayn*teh*nahn]

Peace out.